Fear itself

The thing(s) you're most afraid of

This is harder than it seems. There is a lot I am afraid of but most afraid of?

There's also a lot that I am not afraid of. But I guess we're not here to talk about that. 

Fears:

• Spiders - I realize I am bigger than they are, and Paul always tells me that they are probably more afraid of me than I am of them, but I'm not buying it. I'm super afraid.
• Mice - living with mice for the last year before moving out cemented this fear in my mind - particularly the day that a mouse jumped out of my pantry, hit my neck and rolled down my body. *shudder* disgusting.
• Spicy Food - it hurts! I fear things that hurt me (duh)
• Scary movies - I get so scared during scary parts of movies - I tense up and feel awful. Plus after watching a scary movie I will usually have a nightmare. It's like double fear.
• Dark places - growing up I hated being home alone at night, we had big windows and I never knew what was on the other side of them. Even now I can convince myself a bad guy is just around the corner when it's dark - I'm thankful that my husband is large.
• Main and Hastings / Pigeon Park - I wish the downtown east side didn't scare me - and I've even spent a day down there with no problems, but the very real truth of the saddness and trauma that exists there makes it a place I am afraid of. 
• Debt - as a spender debt is something I know I can wrack up - and the reality of debt scares me. A lot. The thought of how easily I could spend money and then be shackled to that debt is a fear that thankfully helps drive me towards good spending habits. 
• Coyotes - a few times I've run into Coyotes while on 53rd avenue and every time I freeze up and try desperately to get into a house or car. 
• Wearing something that is see through and not realizing it - I check ever outfit numerous times to ensure that it is not.
• Being told I'm not funny, right after telling a joke - oh! the fear.

And on a more serious note, I'm afraid of...

• Disappointing people - I would like to be perfect and never let anyone down. I find I'm super afraid of the very real truth that I will disappoint people and that it's life.
• Rejection - Similar to above. But growing up with years of being bullied and teased, sometimes even by "friends" has made this fear very real. Plus I have lost friends - people I valued as friend who have chosen not to be my friend anymore, and I know from experience that rejection hurts. 
• Not measuring up - I want to be enough. I'm know I'm not. 

These three fears are a helpful reminder that I need God. My significance and security are in Him, and not in my works or my relationships or my perfection. He died for me and loves me, even when I disappoint people, or am rejected or don't measure up. He loves me for me, because He made me. Remembering the truth of the Gospel is what combats my fear - and gives me something hope filled to cling on to. 

And lastly, I'm afraid of...

• What alzheimers will or could do to my mom - She's already fading, and she's already changing, and I fear what this disease will do to her. I want her final years to be dignified - disease steals that so often. 

Gosh. These are all terrible things to think about. Must write post entitled "reasons life is awesome", immediately to combat depression. But seriously, I know God is bigger than my fears - but there they are - sitting under the surface, waiting to bite.