Friendship and Parenting

You know what I love about having kids? 

It’s super fun. Avie and Bailey make us laugh so so often, and so hard. They crack me up. They are sweet and funny and ridiculous. 

But you know what else I love? Time away from them with just my spouse - that time is so special in a way it never was before kids. I mean, I liked time with Paul, but now it feels so valuable because I get how rare that time can be. 

You know what I love about having kids?

I love watching my kids and my friend's kids get along (or really not get along, as the case may be). It’s so neat to see their personalities combine and get to walk out this whole parenting thing with people I like. 

But you know what else I love? How much more I value time with friends without my kids. I love when we get a sitter and I get away with friends for an evening, a weekend, an hour. Deep conversation, no interruptions, real relationships. 

Having kids changes relationships. It just does. It’s silly to pretend that life and relationships will be the same. But it doesn’t have to be worse, and it’s not necessarily better - it's different. How we react to it will dictate if it’s better or worse. 

I value making time to be with my friends and their kids - I love watching my girlfriends parent. I love watching the relationships grow between their kids and mine, as they grow older. At first, they all just laid next to each other, then they played with toys near each other and eventually started playing WITH each other. Magic. And to see my friends interact with my kids and get to interact with theirs? So fun. I also value time with those same friends without our kids. I love getting the chance to talk deeply with people who are in the trenches of parenting alongside me. I love getting to talk about anything but our kids with those same friends; about marriage and faith and work and life in general. 

I love watching Paul be a Dad. I learn so much from him and about him as he parents. I feel so much affection for Paul as we parent together - the kids add to our connection. It’s so sweet to cuddle together with our kids. When one of them ends up in our beds and I can see Paul and Bailey or Paul and Avie asleep cuddled up together; it just melts my heart. I love watching Paul and Avie set the table together, or watch how much Paul loves feeding Bailey (and eating half her rice cereal cause he likes it so much). I also love time alone with Paul. Watching him interact with other adults, or getting quality time just me and him to talk and laugh and pray. Communication has always been such a huge part of our relationship - we are awesome at talking. We love it - debate, conversation. Things that we are divided on, and things we agree on. I love it....and him. 

It’s so easy to miss all of this though. To focus on how hard it is to connect with your spouse or friends with kids around. How many new tensions there are to navigate now that kids are in the picture. We have a monthly family get together and often it would just be easier if we all stayed home - the kids are running around creating insanity and we barely get to chat because we are busy feeding and racing to the bathroom and trying to make sure we get to eat too. It’s crazy. It would be easier to focus on the crazy, missing that this all builds to something. It’s easy to mourn what friendships looked like before - the ease of relationship, the time to connect, the ability to stay up late and not worry about how early you have to get up.

It’s work to figure out the balance of these things. How do I prioritize my kids and my need for deep relationship? Both are just as integral, at least in my life. I need relationships in my life - they fuel me. I also what my kids to feel loved and valued, and parent them well. It’s the part of parenting that I didn’t quite see coming. Sometimes I feel selfish for prioritizing my own needs in moments. Other times I’m so aware that my sanity will only benefit my kids. Sometimes I need to put their needs ahead of my own, other times its good that they learn that the world doesn’t revolve around them.  Walking out these tensions isn’t easy but its such a helpful growth area in my life. 

I so want my kids to know that its possible to have deep and healthy relationships - those friendships are vital and that we need to pour time and energy into them. My parents showed me the importance of friendships and relationship. I love that. It helped me know that I could have that too and then work towards it. I watched my parents prioritize their marriage - they enjoyed each other and built deeply together. We knew they loved us, we knew they valued us, AND we knew that their marriage was just as important. I want that for my kids. 

I'm so thankful for friends that are willing to try. That are willing to pack up their kids, make the trek during naptime to the aquarium or the park, for the moments of conversation and cute pictures. That are willing to come over and eat with us, mostly monitoring children. These friendships are tricky now but I know that the time spent building leads somewhere and down the road, as kids get older and more and more independent, I will be so very thankful for friends who have stuck it out in harder and easier times. 

Third time a charm - Hospital Bag thoughts

Oh, the Hospital Bag. Everyone on Pinterest has an opinion about what to bring and so much of it is conflicting. Before you solidify your list, make sure you ask people who have actually given birth at the hospital you will be at. That helps so much! For example, lots of people’s lists include nipple cream, pads/mesh underwear, sitz bath, and perineum spray bottle but at my hospital (BC Women’s Hospital in Vancouver) all these are provided. So I thought I would weigh in on my experiences to bring less clarity to the situation :) 

I packed my first Hospital Bag in Feb/March of 2015 and my second in November of 2016. Both times have felt disappointing - like I managed to get it wrong and didn't have everything I needed or specifically had way more than I needed. The first time I packed regular jeans and instantly regretted it (spoiler alert, post baby regular jeans are basically a no go - I was so thankful that I happened to pack a pair of leggings with a sweatband top - they were a life saver), the second time I listened to all the buzz that said hospitals were always cold and to bring sweatshirts and blankets (mine was so hot I couldn't sleep and bitterly regretted not packing shorts or a tank top) and had ordered a robe that another mom had sworn by online and despite ordering it large it was tiny and only made me feel worse. So. I'm trying again. And I'm optimistic. I like to think I learned something. Plus this is my last time. I want to get it right. 

Basically, a Hospital Bag usually has three parts: 1. The Mom stuff 2. The Baby Stuff and 3. The Dad Stuff. 

1. The mom stuff
First of all - the last two times I used my cute weekender bag. I love it but it doesn't have wheels and is a big tricky to dig around in. This time I'll be using the bag I bought this past fall and am IN LOVE with. 

People always talk about what they're bringing to wear in the hospital. Both times I found that I really just wanted to hang out in the hospital provided gown, with a nursing sports bra. I found mine at Motherhood Maternity and loved it, so much so that I bought two of the same. I wore one for labour and the first breastfeeding moments (making sure to wear my black one then so sweat, baby fluid and milk wouldn’t show as much) then when we went upstairs to our hospital room I showered and changed into my other clean one. Best plan ever. It was easy to wear and sleep in after delivery and very easy to use during the first breastfeeding days. 

Aforementioned sports bra, with cute baby Bailey

My hospital provides the least fashionable but most comfortable mesh underwear and crazy giant maternity pads. Some people don’t love these but for the hospital stay, I find them wonderful. Nurses and doctors are constantly coming by to check out your lady parts so may as well make it easy access. The mesh underwear isn’t too tight and I found it comfortable. My secret is to switch to Depends underwear once I get home for the first few days and then for the next few nights. I only did this with my second and it was a lifesaver. All that being said I don’t find it necessary to pack underwear for the hospital stay since I wouldn’t have touched it either time. 

The robe I chose to live in, and Avie in a newborn sleeper (it's big even on my full term baby).

I liked having some sort of comfy legging and t-shirt to wear if I wanted to feel semi-pulled together when visitors came, though mostly I lounged in the hospital gown. I will also bring some sort of comfy sleep clothes in case it is too hot or too cold. And of course, I will bring my toiletries - I was desperate for a shower, to wash my hair and to straighten it. 

Nowhere else in life do I go away without my Contigo water bottle, or my Contigo Thermos (both from Costco) and this is especially true in the hospital. The water bottle is used constantly during labour, as well as the postpartum stage. The Contigo Thermos is a life saver in those first days in the hospital, keeping my cup of tea warm despite the many interruptions. I also swear by it in the whole rest of the baby & toddler stage because it keeps my tea warm AND doesn't spill on top of kids #safetyfirst. 

Therefore my mom list looks like this:

• nursing sports bra x2
• Comfy leggings (loose sweatpants type & one high waisted wonder under)
• Sweatpant Skinny Joggers (in case the leggings are just too uncomfortable)
• Maternity shorts (in case its hot again)
• Loose comfy t-shirt x2
• Sweatshirt cardigan, just in case the hype of a cold hospital proves true.
• Flip flops or slippers
• Toiletries (deodorant, shampoo, conditioner, tangle tamer, lotion, chapstick, hairbrush, toothbrush/toothpaste and hair straightener). 
• Sleep Aids (ear plugs & eye mask)
• Phone charging cord (a long one if you have it!) and wall base
• Portable battery to charge phone during labour
• Apple Watch charger
• iPad, in case I have a spare moment to write out their birth story or to watch Netflix (more likely)
• Contigo water bottle 
• Contigo thermos

**One last thought on Mom stuff. I have not had to have a C Section with either of my births, but that's definitely a possibility in my future with twins. I've heard that it can be strategic to pack a dress or something since pants (even loose ones) can rub painfully. I'm debating adding a lose fitting black maxi dress of some form just to make it home in case I end up needing to go that route.

2. The Baby Stuff

I will be using the same bag for the twins hospital bag, as I will for their diaper bag. I ordered this bag and already packed it for the hospital stay. I'll switch it up a bit once we're home but for now it's got everything we need for the twins at the hospital.

I ordered these packing cubes online to use for packing the kids clothes - I like having seperate pouches for stuff when it's a diaper bag too, helps keep it organized. I'll use these cubes in lots of life, and have used the smallest one for the bag.

Baby Clothes - I find this one tricky to pack for - how big will they be? They are naked most of the time in the hospital but it's helpful to have baby clothes for the trip home. This time I popped out and got some preemie clothes - they would have fit my newborns each of my births, and these guys will most likely be a little smaller. Thankfully my favorite consignment store (Wee Ones ReRuns in Bellingham) has a decent little preemie section and I managed to swipe up onesies, bottoms and sleepers for both boy and girl, for .99 cents each! I also got a new pack of my favorite soothers so that we could have new ones for when they are especially tiny. Zip-up sleepers are the handiest for the trip home.

Here's Bailey using both our kids favorite soother in the hospital, warpped in hospital blankets, wearing a onesie with built-in mittens.

While in the hospital we primarily keep them wrapped in the towels but for the trip home having Muslin blankets was really helpful - the nurses wanted to add them to the car seat for head security.

So my baby list looks like this:

• Mam Soothers x4
• Muslin blankets x8 or more!
• Girl Onesie + bottoms
• Boy Onesie + bottoms
• 2 White onesies with mittens
• Newborn hat x2
• Girl Sleeper
• Boy Sleeper
• 1-2 Spare outfits that either could wear
• Best ever baby socks x2

The Extra's

Breastfeeding Pillow - My sister gave me this style in my first pregnancy and I have not found anything that works as well for me. I know lots of people love the 'Brestfriend' but I don't find it as comfortable or easy to use. But I'm in the minority there. Not every nurse will like seeing you use this in the hospital - they often just want you to use a selection of blankets and towels but I found this very very uncomfortable and needed the support of the pillow. The hospital beds aren't the most comfortable place to be feeding babies and I need all the help I can get!

Car seat & Base x2 - You can't leave the hospital without a car seat. I already have one, and have another one on the way. I love the Graco Click and Connect. We have the slightly older version, but it's the same idea. They click easily out of the base (in the van) and click easily onto our stroller.

Car seat Canopy x2 - I had this one for Avie & Bailey, and ordered a second for the twins - I love the grey chevron pattern (called the chevy) - I find it soothing and attractive. I find these easy to flip open, good for coverage (even blocks a bit of the sound) and easy to remove when needed. We always get them free from this site and just pay for shipping. Full disclosure, we also have a third one, it's Green Bay Packers themed, but I can only handle having so much sports theme, so we use that in football season and it's about it.

**We pack all the extra's in a big ikea bag, which we later fill with things from the hospital when we leave. Our hospital usually sends you home with helpful things like the Perineum cleaning bottle, a Sitz Bath, etc. It's nice to have a big bag to shove these into so you're not walking out of the hospital with your arms full.

3. The Dad Stuff

It's important to note that each Dad is going to want different things, and my husband is decidedly low maintenance. So his list is pretty sparse. I'll also note that I'm super lucky since I don't have to pack his bag - we never pack for each other for anything, and that stays true for hospital visits. But that being said, I do know what he's taking. 

Lots of people mention snacks for Dad in their list since meals are only provided for the Mom. We haven't found this necessary. The people in our life that visit the hospital are keen to pick up food on their way for us. There's also a Tim Hortons in the building, a decent cafeteria downstairs AND some shops nearby. Lots of people also mention a blanket and pillow for Dad but Paul is always happy with the hospital sheet and whatever pillow he can make work. 

Our Dad list looks like this:

• Phone charger
• Underwear / Socks x2
• Shorts x2
• T-shirt x2 (1 short sleeve, 1 long sleeve)
• Toiletries

Before I finish off I feel like there's a few food related things we've learned / perfected over our two stays and look forward to implementing for this stay.

1. I just gave birth. Hopsital food is mediocre. When people bring the husband food they bring GOOD food (samosas, vietnamese, tacos, etc). Why should the one who just endured the trauma of labour eat the saddest food? So we split it all. When the hospital meal comes we both each from it, and then we supplement as needed/wanted with what people bring. People always want to help, asking "what can I bring?" so we tell them :) And thus begins the newborn season of receiving help when offered.

2. So many blog posts and books suggest bringing homemade cookies to offer the nurses to say thank you for their great care. I think that's a beautiful idea in theory. But let me delve into it a bit closer ok? With my first I was 2 weeks over due and in labour for 4 days before actually having Avie. How in the world would I have known when to make those homemade cookies? A week before my due date? On my due date? the week after? You know what I didn't want to be doing in the last weeks of pregnancy? Baking. Heck, I don't want to bake now. If I make them in advance OR time it perfectly, that's another thing to remember to grab on the way out to the hospital - no thank you.

With Bailey we realized that we could order delivery TO THE HOSPITAL. Game changer. We had Bailey early Sunday morning in mid December, and by that evening we were pretty hungry. Basically our whole support network was at our church's christmas banquet across town, and so we weren't expecting any visitors (which was definitly ok - a relaxing night is helpful too). We picked up the hospitals big binder of delivery options (I love that our hospital offered this - though I am sure you could just use the internet) and chose to order pizza. There was a deal on so we ordered an extra pizza to give to the nurses (in lieu of cookies) and enjoyed our pizza (with some smuggled in beer) quite happily. I'm so stoked for this post birth moment - a beer, a pizza and our babies.

And there you have it - just what the internet needed - another Hospital Bag packing list :)

Blogging and kids

Once again I find myself unable to sleep at a time when the house is quiet, I should most definitely be sleeping and my mind is racing with thoughts. It took me an hour to give up and say, ok, I'm up! I kept thinking, you have a cold, you are pregnant, you have a long working day ahead of you tomorrow, there's no way you're not going to fall back asleep. But hey, here I am. 

When our first kid was born I took monthly growth photos and blogged about her monthly. I love our second daughter just as much but have a quarter of the time (I started working part-time and was chasing after a toddler). In my first pregnancy I took outfit photos all along (at home and work) - for my second pregnancy we were mostly in a new home that didn't have any full-length mirrors and I worked from home, ditto with my third pregnancy. I really miss documenting my pregnancies and I miss documenting my kid's lives. I love getting to look back and remember the different parts of pregnancy, or the early baby times. I find it reassuring to look back at my pregnancy for anomalies and the similarities. I love comparing the times - and even more so with twins this time. I'm 24 weeks and I haven't taken any picture shots but have definitely been showing basically since being pregnant. I keep thinking I'll solve the problem; I even bought a full-length mirror to hang up to solve this problem, but it just hangs out next to Paul's laundry basket - decidedly unhung. 

Our sweet little B just turned 1 in December. One year of her sweet flappy self. B continues to be happy and cheerful except when she's teething (which she currently is). She is always up for a smile (the cheesiest biggest grin around). She does this hilarious thing when she's excited where she looks like a flopping fish out of water - laying on her tummy, pumping her legs like crazy and flapping her arms. We love it - makes us laugh every time. She can say two words...sometimes. Hi and Dada. She waves and kinda blows kisses, mostly eats them. She isn't walking yet but she loves to stand and crawl - she will take steps if you're holding her hands though. 

Having a second baby is everything and nothing like the first. It's so much less intimidating, in my experience. It's not that I always know what to do with her (she's definitely a separate human than Avie), but I know that each stage will pass - the good and the bad. I can look ahead to the fun of having a toddler and know that next stage is coming. With your first baby the selfishness is ripped out of you in a major way - someone else is calling the shots in the life you used to lead. There is someone else giving major shape to your day - and not in the way a job gives shape to your day - there is no ending to it. It's a full on jumping into an entirely new life experience. So when the second baby comes, it's like you're already deep in it. There's an immersion of course, of learning to have two humans that depend on you, and being back in the newborn stage, but it feels manageable compared to that first time. I kept saying to Paul, we thought this was hard last time? But last time it was hard. And this time, less so. And honestly, there were still hard moments - babies cry, babies bite when breastfeeding, or poop everywhere just when you need to leave. Babies wake up in the night needing you. Hard moments will come, but we're so much more used to hard moments this time. And so much better at recognizing and embracing the great moments. 

I was recently having a discussion with a friend and were talking about why people have babies. Some people have babies because they LOVE babies. I have babies because I want little kids. Babies aren't so much my jam. I mean, there's parts of each stage of baby that I like - I sure do love being pregnant when we have this secret world between only us. I love the sleepy newborn stage with that baby ability to sleep anywhere and everywhere. How fun to see babies slowly understand the world around them - that first smile, the first giggle, the cuddles. B is 1 now and there is a lot of fun - her cheesy grins, bath time fun and so many firsts. But there's also a lot of things with each of those stages that I find tricky and don't enjoy quite as much - mostly it's keeping the baby alive. The newborn and under a year stage is full of the work of feeding and sleeping and helping them be safe and covered as they grow. Right now, at one, I feel like most of parenting B is trying to keep her alive in a different way than when she was a newborn. She wants to explore every dangerous thing she sees. The second she can she b-lines for the toilet, or the steep marble stairs that head up to our bedrooms, or the steep drop off to the laundry room stairs. It's constant vigilance at this stage - she wants to put anything and everything in her mouth, it seems like she especially wants the most dangerous things in there.

I love watching Avie and B interact - they are so cute together. They love each other now - before B was indifferent but Avie was super in love - now they are in it together. They love to laugh - they do silly things to make the other giggle and it melts my heart. I have no idea I could feel such love for these little two people. They always seem to want to be right on top of each other. I can't wait to see what their friendship grows into over the years and pray that they get to be best friends like my sister and I are. 

Last spring we were watching Avie's language - we weren't sure if she was a bit behind but the doctor said we didn't need to worry yet. At a friends recommendation though we started giving her Fish Oil in the summer - around that time (and I assume this isn't a coincidence but in fact correlation) her language exploded. I love having stories and chats with her - watching her trying to communicate. She's finally learned her name though she says it's "Abbie Morgan" rather than Avie, but hey, it's closer. She gets Paul's full name right, though I am "Mommy Morgan" so there's that. Mostly we're working on getting her to keep Paul's name in her head since the way she says it actually sounds like his name (unlike when she says my name, "Taaa") and we want her to know one name in case of an emergency. I love asking Avie to count - she can 100% get it right, but if she isn't focusing and you ask her to count to five she'll say "one, two, salmon, eight, ten." It's the right number of numbers at least! I love that seven = salmon and eleven = alemon. Oh, that makes me smile. We are, in any case, not worried about her language at this point - so much talking, so much learning of new concepts and sounds and ideas. Such fun. Right now her big thing is to tell you what she's going to say to the person she'll be seeing later - that she's going to say she'll miss them, and give them a hug and a kiss. She doesn't always do it - she may get shy - but the heart is there :) She's just bursting full of love, always wanting to cuddle with us, proclaiming "I missed you guys" after our work days. 

So Avie is going to be 3 in April, B is 13 months, and I'm 24 weeks pregnant with twins, which means they'll most likely come in April sometime (April 1st I will be 34 weeks pregnant, and April 28th I'd be 38 weeks pregnant). It's crazy to think that means sometime in like 10-14 weeks I'll double the count of kids I have. Like almost impossible to believe. Gosh, I need to find a Mat leave replacement person now! This pregnancy has felt very similar to my singleton pregnancies until last month. And even more so in the last weeks - there is a party in my womb for sure! I mentioned to my doctor that it wasn't just like double the movement, but even more than that, because it felt like they were egging each other on. She said that when she looked at the ultrasound it was clear that indeed they were egging each other on - she said she could see them kicking at each other, haha. At my last appointment, I was 23 weeks and measuring at 31 weeks. People keep asking if I'm almost due. Nope, not really :) I have my first monthly follow up ultrasound and it was pretty awesome to see the babies again - they are growing healthy (each are a pound and a half) and my body is still coping well with carrying them (pregnancy insomnia and general soreness/tiredness aside). 

A couple weeks ago we hit up a Twins Prenatal class, which was helpful for pregnancy, birth and the early newborn stage. Through that I found the Vancouver Twins Facebook group that I'd never been able to locate before on my own - and I met up with a group of pregnant twin moms who are due this spring/summer - so I'm feeling like there is a real community around going through similar things to us. Even found one family online with 2 young kids and a twins pregnancy - most of the ones we meet are on their first pregnancies. I've just signed up for another course in a couple week - Preparing for Multiples - and a few mama's from the meet up are going to join in, which I'm super pumped about. This course is more about baby care, self care and practical tips for having twins - which is exactly what I'm looking for. Basically through either facebook groups or classes, I was really hoping to find a community of people in the same stage to walk this out with (like I got to in my first prenatal class with Avie - I have made two fabulous friends from there, and like I get to experience with my SIL and sister both having babies at the same time as I had B), and get some hands on tips for this whole twins thing. So I'm feeling pretty great about that side of things. 

The one thing I keep coming across is to be prepared! This weekend we're heading down to Bellingham with two other couples WITHOUT KIDS for the weekend (woot!) and while we're there we will pick up the many packages waiting for us at our PO Box so that when we are back here we can pack up the twins diaper bag and have that prepped and ready ages early (also swinging by the consignment store in Bellingham because they often have preemie items and I just want to make sure we have a couple tiny items, just in case). I'm going away once more in February (one of my best friends is turning 30 so we're spending the weekend on the sunshine coast, no husbands or babies and I can't wait!), and then the first weekend of March is our annual women's retreat at Stillwood near Cultus Lake, but after I get back from that (I'll be 30 weeks) I will pack my hospital bag fully and leave it ready to go. It's silly I know, but I like my bag and so I don't want to pack a different bag, knowing that I really want the bag I'll be travelling with those other times, hence why I'll be waiting. 

Anyways, other than the hospital bags, we just received our extra diaper genies (one upstairs, one downstairs), I have the extra baby cam's coming (to link up to the monitor I already have) and noise maker ordered, as well as my favorite baby socks and slippers that I swear by (100% I used them with both babies and freaking loved them - am only ordering more because I use them so much they wear through eventually). These are the socks and slippers that I order in bulk when I find them for a good price and then give away as gifts to any mom friends having babies because OMG they are amazing. The last thing you need when you have a newborn (or two) is socks that slip off! I have sorted out the girls clothes and have the newborn stuff accessible - it's not into a dresser yet, since the dresser is currently chilling in our hallway waiting to see where it will end up, but the clothes are at least easy to access if needed early. The boy clothes are a slightly different story since this is all stuff we've just been given - so I need to wash it all, and then do the same thing with it, though because it's new to us, I don't have a home for it yet and might slip it into the dresser, even in the hallway. Between my sister and her friend, we have been given a ton of boy stuff - including a pair of my favorite slippers mentioned above, and two pairs of Padraig knitted slippers!!! Those also stay on super well. For babies 6 months and under I exclusively put my kids in those two types of slippers - heck a year and under. I don't have time to chase after fallen slippers. Anyways, with all that generously given hand me downs, oh boy, we'll be set. I'm super pumped.

The last thing to think about (or that my brain is capable of thinking about right now) is writing down a schedule for our two girls so that if I go into labour early we have an easy to access and follow basic schedule and info sheet. I know when I babysit toddlers/babies, I like to have an idea of the structure and stuff that goes along with them. Once they are older it's not so needed, but under 5 I really usually feel like I'm flying blind if I don't have something to guide me, so I want to be able to give them with our girls. My Aunt is planning to be here with them, but she doesn't live in town, so there could be gaps if things happen in unexpected timing. Thankfully we have lots of support, but I want to make it as easy on our support as possible. 

Twin Preggo Life

As Christmas Eve I was 20 weeks pregnant with these two little babies. This twins pregnancy is everything like I expected (all the bagels, constant need to pee, maternity clothes, restless legs and pregnancy insomnia from the others) and nothing like I expected (nausea, and double all the symptoms I usually get). I've heard that twins pregnancies aren't two for the price of one, but rather two at once, and I can see why people say that. Thankfully I've had it pretty easy - tired and sore, but still very able to function. Of course, sometimes I need a nap to function, but that is pretty normal, pregnancy aside. I still love being pregnant - but man, it's work!

Both kids arms resting on the baby belly

Starting about two weeks ago I began to feel the babies - at first, it felt like it was just one baby, but this past week it's started to feel like two babies worth of movement. Still only felt on the inside but starting to feel mild tremors from the outside. This is always one of my favorite times - the movement feels like a little secret friendship between me and the babies. Weird to think it's with two though!

This, except double the babies.

So anyway, we haven't been sure on what sex the babies will be. At my first obstetricians apt we looked at the babies and one was shy but she could see that there was probably for sure a girl (and maybe a boy). At my next obstetricians apt last week she was pretty sure she was seeing a boy (and wasn't sure on the other). This helped me have time to adjust to this new possible reality. I'm used to girls. I have two. I watch my friends and sister parent boys and it always intimidated me. I have the clothes, I have the diaper cleaning down, I am used to it. More than that I grew up with only a sister. I don't really have experience of what it's like growing up with a brother. I love having a sister-best-friend and it was tripping me up that maybe the twins wouldn't have that. Anyways, silly fears but there they were.

In the past couple weeks people have been so encouraging about boy/girl twins - even ones that didn't know I was thinking about that. Most of the people I know though, with boy/girl twins, are still in the under 5 stage. I haven't heard about what it's like once they aren't babies anymore. On my weekly visit at my Mom's care home, one of the executives came up to me. She told me that she has 15 year old boy/girl twins and that it is the best. She said that it was such a gift because they always have similar interests and developmental stations, but also have diversity in their interests. They are able to be in the same classes, since there isn't a worry about them needing to have individual friends. They are both really good at relating to the opposite sex because of their twin relationship. She talked for almost 15 minutes telling me how awesome it is. The conversation felt like such a gift from God at just the right time.

We still didn't know for sure though. But now I can confirm, as of this past Friday, the 22nd, the ultrasound confirmed that I am carrying a girl and a boy! My sister and I arrived at 1:30 and didn't leave until 4:30. 2 and a half hours of that was straight ultrasound - lots to cover in a detailed ultrasound with twins! This will be the base marker going forward - every month we will have an ultrasound to see how they are growing and it will be measured from these scans.  The babies were very cooperative though and showed all their vitals - they are doing great. Thank goodness.

I didn't expect this anxiety. I didn't have it with the other two pregnancies. But knowing this is a higher risk pregnancy (just because it's twins) definitely is on my mind more than I expected. I am not overly scared on a daily basis, but it's always so so very reassuring when I get to see the babies in an ultrasound. I'm thankful that with twins pregnancies you get monthly ultrasounds (plus when I see my obstetrician she does a mini ultrasound each time - currently those are monthly also, but later will be more). It's so helpful for my heart.

Right now I'm 20 weeks but measuring at 28 weeks - I am so curious how this belly will grow! How big will I be? How big will the babies be? When will they come? They say most twins come between 34 weeks and 37 weeks - they could obviously come earlier but most likely in that window. So most likely sometime in April. I'm 5 weeks from viability, but I'm just praying we make it to 34 weeks (which would be exactly April Fools Day). Basically, there are some certainties (my doctor says they don't like to let twins go past 37 weeks, so we know they'll come by the end of April. Other than that there isn't much that I feel like I know - will I be able to deliver them naturally or will I need a C Section? Will they be premie or full term? Will I be on bed rest at all near the end? Will 4 kids, 3 and under, be as crazy as I imagine or crazier? Either way - I know we're supported and loved and so excited to meet these little babies.

Grief, and other midnight thoughts

It's 4am and I have been awake since 3am. I left my family dinner early while everyone was still hanging out because I was so very tired (like too tired for a social interaction, so that's obviously exhausted in my world since we all know I usually derive great life from social interactions). Paul packed up the kids for me, so I could take them home to bed with me with minimal effort, and he could stay and be with my family (so thankful for a husband that is willing to step in, AND wants to be with my family). I slept soundly at first but then woke to pee (#preggolife) and my brain will not shut off. It finally hit me that I was composing blog posts in my brain and probably wouldn't sleep until I wrote it all out. The thoughts were swirling in my mind and I couldn't rest until I released them. So here we are. 4am, on my couch, in my nightgown and robe, the room only lit by Christmas lights, blogging. 

**

I haven't written about my mom in a while. Sometimes it feels like there isn't anything to say. She's still alive and still dying. People don't know how to ask about her because there isn't much to tell - and if I barely know what to say about it, then what more could they say? A family member at Christmas Dinner asked how she was doing, and as we talked he made a comment that stuck with me. He said that we were slowly saying goodbye. What stuck with me wasn't the reality of the comment, but what it made me feel. I don't feel like I'm slowly saying goodbye. That was years ago. We have been slowly saying goodbye for so dang long. At this stage I feel like I've said goodbye, this woman I visit every week is in no way the mother I grew up with. This woman I visit every week is not even the woman I got to know at the beginning of this disease. This woman is someone entirely different that I don't know at all, whom I see every single week and don't know any better. I've said goodbye - there's nothing left to say - she doesn't understand my words anyway. At this point, the goodbye's have been said, and there is this...purgatory. This waiting. 

You know when you run into someone at the grocery store who you know but aren't like THAT close with and you say hi and make awkward small talk and then go your separate ways, only to run into them like 7 more times in the store in different sections of the store? At first, you make more polite conversation, then it's a nod or acknowledgment of sometimes, and often by the end, it's easier to turn around and go the opposite way when you see them heading down your aisle. It feels a lot like that but with a bunch of guilt and sorrow. 

**

We had a care conference for my Mom about a month ago. This is when the staff all sit down, with the family members present, to review the patient and make a plan for the coming year, after reviewing where we are. My Dad and sister are great at being able to separate their emotion in that moment so that they can engage with what the doctors, therapists, nurses, and dietician are all saying without the emotion overwhelming them. This time I was unable to do that (again #preggoproblems). Thankfully there was tissue nearby as it was all I could do not to break down. During that meeting, the doctor and head nurse both took time in their reports to note for the file, and to us as the family, how special and rare and important our family involvement is. They said they haven't often seen family that loves someone so well, so regularly. It caught me off guard. I so often feel guilty that I only visit her once a week, and that I feel such relief when I need to be away on a Thursday and get to cancel. What sort of person would feel that? (that's the lie in my head). But then I am reminded of the reality that most of these residents don't have their kids and spouse visiting them every day, that I don't even see my healthy family every week. That it's something not ordinary to do what we do. The truth tried to emerge in my heart - I know it means something to be there with her even though it's harder than hiding - but the lies sound so much truer and are so loud. It's so much easier to believe that I am not doing enough, not loving enough, not right for this situation. As the reality and emotion sunk in for me, my Dad said in response to the Doctor and Nurse, "it's what anyone should do." And of course, he's right. Family should be there. But it's also true that this is the hardest thing I do in my life, and I'm pregnant with twins, working part time and staying part time home with a baby and a toddler. Those are some pretty demanding things. And yet this weekly visit is the hardest thing. I felt like it needed to be noted in the conference that yes, family should do this but not everyone knows how to push through and be there - it's not easy - and I'm not sure what it would look like in our family without God. I'm definitely sure I don't want to know what it looks like without Him. 

I visit my Mom every week for my Dad and sister. There's definitely a part of me that does it for my Mom - but really I could probably live with that guilt - I couldn't live with the guilt of leaving the burden of care for my Mom on my Dad and Jenna. So I go. I often think that motivation disqualifies me from being loving to my Mom, but I feel like God has been reminding me lately that it's still a motivation of love. Our actions and motivations matter - and what is true is each week I keep showing up. That counts. 

**

My Mom turned 64 on December 18th. As the years have progressed, birthdays get harder and more awkward. How do you celebrate? Are you even celebrating or merely marking the progression of time? When she turned 60 we threw her a big party in Port Alberni - she was still able to walk on her own decently, and engage, but the decline was very near. This year she was wheelchair bound, unable to do anything (as she has been for the past couple years). I was dreading this day. Our family was to meet at my Mom's residence with husbands and kids in tow (boy do the kids help in moments like this) and it just felt so forced. Then as we gathered, a breath of fresh air rushed in. Jinky.

My Dad pays for companions for my Mom for the times we can't be there. He visits most days, often twice. My sister and I each visit weekly. My mom's need for social care is larger than all of that - she needs at least three visits a day - we've noticed that she doesn't get as upset as she used to when there are people there in the morning, afternoon and evening. This was something as a family that we could not sustain (and we don't have a huge network here of people who know my mom since we moved a few years into her disease). My Dad pays for a few lovely women to visit with my mom. Most of the people we knew through church, but one woman (Jinky) came through an agency. She loves my mom just the way she is. She delights in my Mom. My Dad always said this but it wasn't until I witnessed it that I understood. She truly seems to enjoy her time with my Mom. 

On this Sunday morning, she was not paid to be there. She chose to come down to my Mom's place to celebrate my Mom. She brought cake and orange juice for our families. She brought gifts for my mom that were perfect. She came in singing a birthday song I had never heard before, laughing and talking. She braided mom's hair and made the moment feel like a celebration. Somehow Mom actually was able to engage - she was awake and smiling and aware. There were still hard moments but something shifted for that visit and it felt like a gift. 

**

Gift giving. As I grew up this was a source of growth in my relationship with my Mom. Having an almost Christmas Birthday meant she spent years having combined Birthday/Christmas gifts, so as an adult her rule was that we had to get her two separate and great gifts. Pressure! As I grew into being a teenager and later adulthood I started to understand my mom well enough to do this with great success. And then the disease really took over and everything changed. The woman I'd spent years learning was no longer there, and now the gifts needed to be entirely different. Come this year, I hadn't even bought her a gift because I don't even know where to begin, and I see how much of her stuff just sits unused in her room. I love that Jinky knew what to get my mom (slippers and a cozy blanket to match in dusty rose colors - my Mom's favorite). I also, finally, feel comfortable not working so hard to get my Mom a gift, knowing that time with her, and care for my Dad are two gifts I can give. 

Almost every year for my Mom's birthday we went to Chemainus Theatre to see a play or musical - my Mom loved this. It felt special and festive; she LOVED experiences. This year for my Dad's Christmas gift Jenna and I bought us tickets to Cirque du Soleil Kurious. My mom would have loved it, and it felt so special for the three of us to go just before Christmas together. I LOVED the show - it was better than I'd hoped for, and it was such a nice gift for my heart. It felt like all those normal years, just before Christmas, making a special moment. It felt like a gift for Mom, or in honor of Mom, as much as a gift for Dad. 

**

Sometimes I avoid writing about my Mom because I avoid thinking about my Mom and often avoid talking about her. Sometimes it's easier to not acknowledge it. Sometimes there isn't much left to say. Sometimes I just don't want to bore people with the same update, with the same feelings. Maybe they aren't bored and I am reading their expressions wrong, I'm sure it's often care. But it still feels like I don't want to put this on people. It's really brings down a party. And honestly, while it is hard and makes me sad at times, its not all the time. Most of my life is pretty great. 

This journey is constantly reminding me of my need for God. There are so many ugly emotions that this evokes, so many real and honest emotions this evokes. There are good things and bad things and all of it needs to be held in tension somehow. One of the truest things in my relationship with God is that so much of it is about tensions. Pastor Greg is always talking about this, it feels like. How so much of our faith is holding two seemingly opposite and true things together and being ok in the middle of it. When I face hard tensions in life, there is comfort in knowing that God is a God of tensions and He can handle the extremes. There is peace in knowing that the range of my emotions on this subject are held in tension with God. I can go to Him in all of them. There is peace knowing that I am not condemned or rewarded in my thoughts and actions here - I try to be obedient and loving, yes, but that isn't my salvation or my condemnation. My salvation is already sorted. This is part of living that out - of trying to be Christ-like in the midst of the reality of every day - the good and the bad. 

**

And with that, it it's just after 5am and my brain is finally settling down. Maybe sleep will come now. My dear husband has already agreed to take the morning with the girls and let me sleep - lets see if my pregnant body also agrees :)

#momlife

I have been mulling over thoughts on parenting lately. This feels like a minefield! So many opinions. So many ways of thinking. So much room for misperception or judgment. Even the mere thought of writing about motherhood is enough to make me question if I REALLY want to open this can of worms online. Before I continue it is important to note that my beliefs for my life with kids are just that, about MY LIFE. This isn't to say you need to do it like me, or that I think my way is right. It's just right for me. If you chose to stay at home because that fulfills you, awesome! If you chose to work full time because that fulfills you, awesome! If you chose to send your older kids to daycare during your mat leave so you get to bond with your newborn, awesome! Whatever you do, great. I just know what works for me and my family, tied with the fact that we live in an expensive city and there are some realities we need to work around :) Some of you live far from your "villages" or families and that is a reality - there is no judgement if you can't raise your kids in a village because of circumstances or choice. With that said...

First week home with 2 kiddos

I have found that as a Mom there is so much external pressure; almost all of it is well-meaning (I have to assume it's well-meaning, or that's just discouraging). As a Mom/Women I have some very strong convictions on balancing priorities: work / church / parenting / self-care / marriage / other responsibilities. This is something I read a lot about, think/pray a lot about, talk/listen with others about, and talk/pray with Paul about.