Tuesday, May 21, 2013

Fear itself


The thing(s) you're most afraid of

This is harder than it seems. There is a lot I am afraid of but most afraid of?
There's also a lot that I am not afraid of. But I guess we're not here to talk about that. 

Fears:
  • Spiders - I realize I am bigger than they are, and Paul always tells me that they are probably more afraid of me than I am of them, but I'm not buying it. I'm super afraid.
  • Mice - living with mice for the last year before moving out cemented this fear in my mind - particularly the day that a mouse jumped out of my pantry, hit my neck and rolled down my body. *shudder* disgusting.
  • Spicy Food - it hurts! I fear things that hurt me (duh)
  • Scary movies - I get so scared during scary parts of movies - I tense up and feel awful. Plus after watching a scary movie I will usually have a nightmare. It's like double fear.
  • Dark places - growing up I hated being home alone at night, we had big windows and I never knew what was on the other side of them. Even now I can convince myself a bad guy is just around the corner when it's dark - I'm thankful that my husband is large.
  • Main and Hastings / Pigeon Park - I wish the downtown east side didn't scare me - and I've even spent a day down there with no problems, but the very real truth of the saddness and trauma that exists there makes it a place I am afraid of. 
  • Debt - as a spender debt is something I know I can wrack up - and the reality of debt scares me. A lot. The thought of how easily I could spend money and then be shackled to that debt is a fear that thankfully helps drive me towards good spending habits. 
  • Coyotes - a few times I've run into Coyotes while on 53rd avenue and every time I freeze up and try desperately to get into a house or car. 
  • Wearing something that is see through and not realizing it - I check ever outfit numerous times to ensure that it is not.
  • Being told I'm not funny, right after telling a joke - oh! the fear.
And on a more serious note, I'm afraid of...
  • Disappointing people - I would like to be perfect and never let anyone down. I find I'm super afraid of the very real truth that I will disappoint people and that it's life.
  • Rejection - Similar to above. But growing up with years of being bullied and teased, sometimes even by "friends" has made this fear very real. Plus I have lost friends - people I valued as friend who have chosen not to be my friend anymore, and I know from experience that rejection hurts. 
  • Not measuring up - I want to be enough. I'm know I'm not. 
These three fears are a helpful reminder that I need God. My significance and security are in Him, and not in my works or my relationships or my perfection. He died for me and loves me, even when I disappoint people, or am rejected or don't measure up. He loves me for me, because He made me. Remembering the truth of the Gospel is what combats my fear - and gives me something hope filled to cling on to. 

And lastly, I'm afraid of...
  • What alzheimers will or could do to my mom - She's already fading, and she's already changing, and I fear what this disease will do to her. I want her final years to be dignified - disease steals that so often. 
Gosh. These are all terrible things to think about. Must write post entitled "reasons life is awesome", immediately to combat depression. But seriously, I know God is bigger than my fears - but there they are - sitting under the surface, waiting to bite. 





1 comment:

The Porters' Lodge said...

I think that being able to articulate fears, especially out in public like this, is a good way of combatting them. We have to be honest about the things we're afraid of in order to keep fighting them back, and in order to see how God is helping us overcome them.

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