Thursday, January 12, 2012

First steps towards God

Written January 12th, 2006. I became a Christian on January 19th, 2006 – almost 6 years ago, minus a couple weeks. To give some brief background, Nigel was the boyfriend I was living with and knew I needed to break up with if I was to dedicate my life to God.

“I know my time with Nigel has to end sometime soon (soon being relative or subjective or something, ranging from soon soon to a bunch of months soon), and it's weird because I know for my life to move on this relationship has to end but I don't want it to end. I just want it to keep going. Leaving Nigel? HARD. He’s great but as much as I love him, he can't offer me the things I need in my life, in a husband, in a partner. I need more than he can give me.

Every time I get around people who love god I just want to talk to them about it, and about how badly that's what I want. I don't mean to be weirdly religious or anything; it's just what my heart wants. You can't choose what your heart wants. I know if I do it all again (loving god and living as if I do) I have to be either single or with someone who also loves god, firstly, then me. I need to be with someone stronger than me, to encourage me in life and not the other way around.

I'm scared. Very scared. I get headaches. I have tension in my head which makes my head ache all the time. I know what I have to do. I know I have to take the first step to do a bunch of things. I have to go to weight watchers which means using self control. Most importantly, I know I have to take the step to god and all that goes with that. It's scary. And I know this time it would be real, before it was my parents, but now it would be mine. There were times before when it was pretty much mine, but this time it will be all me.

I’m reminded of the lyric from a David Grey song, "This year’s love had better last, this year’s love had better last" Choosing God has to work, it's more than I can take to do it all again and have it fail. It's hard to disappoint those around me and turn away from something so vitally important to them. And if God is the God that I choose to believe in then I wouldn't do that to him again.

I know it will all be worth it. I've been there and it was so often good, and it wasn't even as full as it will be. I know how good it can be despite my own insecurities and problems. The fellowship, friendships, activities, sense of togetherness, and love...nothing is as amazing as that family. I know it sounds cheesy, but once you've experienced it, there is no way to find those feelings elsewhere. Sure it will be hard, what isn't? Work, love, friendships, everything is difficult. You have to work at it or it wouldn't be rewarding.

That doesn't stop me from being scared. I know how good it will be, but I’m so afraid because I know how hard it will be to get there. It’s hard to see past the pain coming, to see how wonderful things could be.”

I read this, and I remember the feelings, and I thank God all the time that he has brought me out my sin, and insecurity and death and set me free to walk in security, signifigance, joy and life. With purpose. With mission. With reason for being. Thank you God for saving me...and giving me a hope and a future.
One of my favorite bible verses says:
Psalm 68:6a “God makes a home for the lonely; He leads out the prisoners into prosperity, Only the rebellious dwell in a parched land.” (NASB). I am thankful that this word is true.

1 comment:

LeAnna et David said...

six years :D When I read this I thought of the following:

"for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control" (2nd Timothy 1:7, ESV)


"I can do all things through him who strengthens me." (Phillipians 4:13, ESV)

You trusted God and walked into the future He has for you, and you didn't give into the fear that could have trapped you back. You have a real conversion story, and I think you are able to relate to people so well because you've lived in both worlds. You have authenticity.


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