Thursday, October 25, 2012

Turquoise + Black // Stress + Peace

I'll start with the colours and clothing. Today I wanted something easy and comfortable. I still love my turquoise pants (that still look blue in photos). I also love my easy black go to blouse. I'd seen on pinterest the idea of a turquoise blouse with black pants and thought, perfect, I'll reverse it. Then I noticed later that there were outfits pinned with black on the top and turquoise on the bottom. Win!

And again, I swear my pants are turquoise. I just don't get how this is happening. 

Alright, on to the stress. 

Monday we received a  letter in the mail from the government. These are rarely good things. And true to form this thing sucked. It was a reassesment from our taxes saying a mistake had been made and that we owed the government $3500! That's a lot of money. We received this on the 22nd and the payment was due November 5th. What? Who has $3500 laying around to pay you within 2 weeks?

I mean I'm the only one working since Paul is in school for the year, even with months before a due date we wouldn't have that kind of money. 


So Paul called a Tax Lawyer friend and figured out some of our options. We have a meeting this weekend with the people who did our taxes to find out if a) it's the governments fault and we did in fact pay everything correctly or b) it's H&R block's fault in which case we'll need to pay it. 

In the meantime I was freaking out. I vacillated between feeling bitter and anxious. These feelings aren't strangers to me, though I wish I knew how to get past them. 

Now I know God is in control. I mean He has provided so amazingly in the past. I know that the circumstances aren't what matters. But I couldn't dig myself out of how my heart felt. 

As I rode my bike home I listened to worship music and prayed. I felt so angry and helpless. Powerless to change the situation or my own heart! I said to God, "I can't do this, I can't change my heart or the situation. I need you. You are my only hope for the state of my black heart and you are the only hope in this situation".

Then I proceeded to continue to feel frustrated the whole ride home. I trusted that God would be God in the situation but I had no idea how to act on that. 

I got home, made dinner and bulk baked chicken for the next night's LG. I was tired and stressed. 

Then my phone buzzed and my dear friend had to cancel our plans. I was sad not to see her but oh so relieved to not have to go out and be happy or go out and be. I just wanted to wallow. 

Now I don't know when it started to happen, somewhere in my evening my heart started to feel peace. I did normal things. Normal, seemingly unfaithfilled acitivities, like showering and blow drying my hair. I sat on my couch with a book and a glass of Sangria. God was filling my heart with his peace. Because normally even a book and a bottle of Sangria wouldn't touch the stress in my heart once it gets in there. This was different, it was powerful. My heart felt changed. 

I got to bed early (a feat I normally never accomplish) and drifted into what can only be described as a beautiful, lovely sleep. It wasn't the rush to bed, pray that I would sleep quickly, type of sleep I normally have. It was wonderful. I woke up at 6am with a busy busy work day ahead of me and a giant project to complete, but I woke up still at peace and so wonderfully rested. Rested in a way I rarely feel. 

I also woke up to this:

At some point in my beautiful sleep I'd obviously brought my glasses in to bed. I woke up to find them under Paul. Oh well, shouldn't be too hard to fix.

But back to the moment; Our situation is not resolved. We don't know how this will end. But I know that Monday night God gave me a gift I greatly needed. He put peace in my heart. He took my load and gave me rest. And I am so grateful to a God like that. I don't deserve this and yet he lavishes his love and affection on me. 

Plus He gave me Paul. Paul spent the night being extra sweet and loving, even though he was struggling with the situation as well. I'm thankful to God for Paul for sure. 

So thank you God, peace feels amazing.

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