Thursday, February 27, 2014

Letting Go: A reaction

One of my least favorite concepts or expressions in the world is the term "letting go" (followed very closely by "it is what it is" - seriously, terrible). You know how it goes, you're struggling with something...someone hurts you, or rejects you or something hard happens and you're trying to move on. You're trying to forgive and move on and someone always says, "you just have to let go". 

Let go. 

of what? 

I mean, what am I holding on to that I'm able to let go of?

It always conjures up a picture of a balloon on a string - one moment you're holding on to the string and the next moment you let go. Easy. So excuse me if I find it slightly harder to experience a wound or hard moment, that I definitely wish I wasn't holding on to and would happily not be experiencing, and know what letting go looks like. It's this vague concept that has nothing to do with what I'm trying to let go off. Besides, if I knew how to "let go" wouldn't I have already done that? I mean who wants to hold on to stuff?

So I was struggling with some hurt and rejection this week. Normal stuff, it happens in life. I was trying to work through my feelings and next steps on the issue and how to proceed in relationship despite my pain. I was trying to seek God, and find out what it looked like to forgive despite the other person not being "sorry." I've been praying for God to soften my heart and show me how to extend forgiveness, you know, as he first forgive me when I wasn't "sorry." I was talking to Paul and he was kind and gracious. He listened and encouraged. And then, because he knows how to do this,  he said that now it was time to "let it go." 

Oh man. I don't know what that means or what that looks like or how to do that. You might as well say, stop being Tara. Tara cares. Tara invests in relationships. I don't know how to let go of the feelings because I never asked for them in the first place - they are just in me. I just feel a lot. 

I'd emailed my friend to talk through this struggle and more. She so helpfully pointed out this truth about me, "YOU are someone who literally thrives on right relationship and connecting others and the quality of community." She said people like Paul are able to separate feelings and just cut off those hurts - he's male. My whole life, my whole heart, is built around and thrives on right relationship and quality of community and connection of others. It's what drives me. Letting go isn't something I understand nor know how to do. My makeup is a blessing and a curse - generally my relationships are deep and honest, vulnerability is the norm. The curse side is how deeply all relationships affect me. 

But it doesn't even have to be with relationships that I'm not sure how to let go - dreams, hopes, opportunities...when things don't work out I haven't mastered the magical ability to "let go". I simply do not understand how one would do that. 

In the mean time I will trust that God has my heart. I will be open and honest and keep seeking relationship - even knowing it might end up hurting. But God is bigger than my hurt and He is all about relationship too.

Letting Go: A moment and an answer

1 comment:

Drian Roos said...

Wow, seems like a tough situation. It's always funny when someone tells you to 'just' do something. Certain things are easy for some people and may seem impossible for others. I think your friend was wise to recognise this in figuring out why it is difficult for you to let go. This old quote comes to mind: "Don't judge a fish by it's ability to climb a tree, he probably won't be good at it and that doesn't make him a bad fish...".

So unfortunately I don't have any wise answers to make you just 'let go'. Just keep praying for the person that hurt you and I'll pray for you too. (PS that sounded much cornier than I intended)


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