Tuesday, July 21, 2015

In the night

It's 3:36am as I sit down to write this. It feels familiar. During my pregnancy I often had pregnancy insomnia, waking up early and staying away for a few hours or until morning. That was the trademark of my time growing Avelynn. Right now I am awake because of her again. I'm not complaining though - she is usually a great sleeper. Tonight she kept napping all afternoon and evening and I feared that did not bode well for overnight and it seems that was a valid fear. But at least I took the opportunity to nap when she napped this afternoon and MAN that straight two hour nap was so helpful and so necessary. I can't imagine my heart feeling so ok about being up this last couple hours if I hadn't taken that chance to sleep! Thankfully her awake time tonight was cute and cooing and sweet, rather than crying. She is such a wonderful little baby, I'm so thankful for her.


I sit in the hallway waiting - waiting to make sure she really is asleep. She's been so awake for the past hour and I desperately didn't want her wakefulness to keep Paul up. He's teaching at work tomorrow and last night I kept sleeping through her many interruptions and Paul was the one who heard her and woke up and I'm so insistent that tonight will be the opposite of that. He's so great at doing this all with me - and I know he needs sleep when he teaches. I can nap tomorrow.

I sit in the dark, a cool breeze funnels down the hallway from an open window. It's quiet aside from the sounds of a house...the hum of electricity, a possible rat in the ceiling (please let that not be what I'm hearing), cars in the distance. I sit waiting, looking forward to getting back to sleep, but so glad to be here. I might be tired (might, ha!) but I am content. Avelynn is here. Avelynn is healthy. Avelynn is ours. Paul is alseep and he is wonderful (despite the smells he's currently brewing in his sleep). Our family has grown and I don't take for granted what a blessing that is.

I'm so thankful for our time trying for a baby - it doesn't make sleepless nights or crying spells any less difficult but it makes me grateful and content. It gave us time to work on our marriage through trial time. You learn a lot about someone when they face loss, disappointment or failure. We learned how to communicate about the sensitive, vulnerable and hard things in our hearts. We learned to share our fears and our hopes. We learned to turn to God and to each other and we got to watch our partner do the same. We learned where we both turn to comfort ourselves and how we can help the other person fill the need for comfort in God and in our marriage. Now that Avelynn is here that foundation is so helpful. We've caught ourselves faster than before, in the areas we struggle, and have been able to talk and support each other, and move towards faith. When things get tough I want to comfort myself with indulgence: food, drink, shopping. To say that it's going to be ok because at least I can eat and drink whatever I want and buy whatever I want. It gives me a feeling of control, and that is comforting, as much as the items themselves comfort me. I have been learning to turn to God for that comfort again - to trust that where I feel out of control, He is in control. Where I feel weak, He is my strength. Where I feel so much, He is love and He loves me. My sin is less obvious than many others - I don't get drunk, I don't shout or act out....but it's there and it's just as destructive. When I acknowledge this and turn to Him I'm amazed at how He meets me and loves me. I am also so thankful that I can talk to Paul about it. Talking through the process of grace helps me see my sin, and see His forgiveness and His power and love. Paul constantly, kindly, points me towards faith and grace.

And on that note, the cooing and movement in the room has stopped for sometime now and a glance at the monitor (lovingly admiring this sweet baby) confirms that she is deep asleep. I can safely go back to my room, and join my lovely husband in sleep. 7am will come early and I am eager to get the rest I need to meet another day (especially as I will be spending the day with Avelynn volunteering at a day camp - sleep is most definitely needed).

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