Tuesday, May 13, 2014

Of late

I haven't been on here in two week. I haven't known how to write. How to voice all that is swirling around in my head and everything that is happening in life. It has been crazy, but also God is moving through this time. 

The last two weeks can be divided into four topics: 
1. Normal Life
2. My mom's big adventure (as an optimistic way of looking at it)
3. Every Nation Vancouver (ENV)'s Women's Retreat
4. Paul's Bear Hunt
More will come on these - but for now - my heart in this moment...

Normal busyness can take it's toll - I knew the couple weeks after Easter would be intense as I'm the coordinator for our Women's Retreat and the event was looming (and has now passed). I did not expect an added amount of drama/trauma/adventure. And yet, it came. Reminding me, how much I need my Jesus. Because I really really do. 

Lately it feels like I'm on a really really fast carousel - I'll have moments were the ride slows down to let someone on or off, but then it starts up again. I'm trying desperately to carve space out for rest and it feels like each time I gain an inch, another half inch is added back from somewhere else. 

Just as I figure out how to spend time with my mom and engage with her - the story changes and she moves into a care home - throwing everything into a new cycle. 
Just as I get used to the fact we're trying to have kids, and we've settled into a rhythm, it's now been a year and I need to call the doctor and set up an appointment to start to see why it's not happening - it's one more thing to think about. 
I carve Fridays out - I have the day off and LOVE it - and slowly things are added - people to see, times away...I can't keep the margin there. 

It's a complaint you've heard before -I'm too busy, I'm trying to free up time, but it keeps happening. I don't know how to be different. Most of the time I don't even want to be. 

I don't know if you struggle with this: but some of the best things about me are the worst things. 
Pro: You know what I'm great at? Loving people. I LOVE building relationship and will sacrifice almost anything to love someone. This is a positive, I know it. People feel loved - and I feel such joy from getting to love them. 
Con: You know what sacrificing to love people means? I'm super tired and my margins slip away. 
Pro: I'm a talker - a communicator. I love to talk and build relationships and communicate truth and life to people. 
Con: People say I talk to much. I rub some people the wrong way. I get tired being the one that always needs to keep the conversation going.
Pro: I'm an organizer and a take charge sort of person. I see a need and I want to fill it, and I can fill it, and I hate to ask others to do things, so I do fill the need. I love to organize, nothing gives me the same thrill as seeing disorganization come together or seeing systems made more efficient. 
Con: I sign up for waaaaay too much. I take on waaaay too much. Each thing I say yes to is another thing I say no to. 

Do you ever feel this way? That your best is also your downfall? Because my life would be a lot more simple if I stopped having friends and stopped serving places and stopped trying to build relationships. 

It would also suck. Straight up. I love friendships, and relationships and serving people. It's so freaking fun! I wish I could figure out where the in-between is - because that's something I'm missing. 

Anyways, that's where I'm at currently. Life has been so busy I haven't been able to blog in weeks. My laundry is piling up and gets done when my husband takes pity on me and does it. My luggage is still in a suitcase from the womens retreat two weeks ago, as are all my items. The boring jobs stack up, and fun task (like blogging and crafting) also get put to the side - and those things can matter for my life balance as well. 

I will tell you this though - despite being a little tired, and despite my current propensity for tears (mostly family related), I am having a blast. Business aside - there is so much joy. SO MUCH. There are friendships - deeper and better friendships than I have ever dreamed or prayed for. There is a wonderful marriage - that even in the busy is a source of tremendous joy and life for me. There is a God who keeps finding me - and giving rest and giving love and challenging me to live for Him. It is all so good!

And that is where I'm at. Also I'm full on salmon and corn. I love summer.


LeAnna said...

Sounds like you & Paul need a weekend away, just to veg.

We've been praying for all of you.

Duncan Parizeau said...

It would be very hard to imagine you being anything less than the great person you are.

Perhaps you'd find more energy for yourself if you slowed down, but I don't think we'd get to see your wonderful smile, or hear your full-hearted laugh as often. Admittedly, when we first started corresponding via email about the room for rent, I had trepidations. I was at really weird point in my Vancouver life, and I wasn't sure if I would fit into the household. Immediately, even through email, your kindness shone through. Fears dispelled!

Tara, you have genuinely made all the difficulties that I'm still experiencing adapting to this city so much softer (that goes for Paul too). Coming from much different backgrounds, we could easily have ended up just being housemates, with very little connection. Instead, you have welcomed me not only into your house and home, but into your extended family as well. I am so beyond grateful for the person that you are. You have provided me with love, a home away from home, and because of your social nature, I've met some really awesome people along the way.

I'm genuinely sorry that at times, you feel like your biggest strengths, can feel like flaws. I can definitely empathize with that. All that I can say is that I couldn't ask for a better friend. You've become like a big sister to me this last year, I'm so super blessed.

Thank you for being so loving, such a great friend, thank you for "getting me", but most importantly:

John 1:5 says:
The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness
has not overcome it.

So thank you more times than I can say, for making sure I can still see that light.


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