Into the new world without my Mom

In the past I've said that the slow grief and the waiting through illness was like living in the woods between the worlds - not fully in any place, waiting. I didn't realize quite how apt that was as I feel like we have emerged into a new world. A new reality. Mom is gone. We are a core family of 3; Dad, me and Jenna. Our world with a living Mom is now a past world; not forgotten but no longer in existence. Our world with a sick mom is now a past world; not long gone but so thankful to be done. We are in a new world, one with just Dad. It feels a bit like the sick-mom-world just without the sadness, guilt, and heavy responsibility. It feels like I can breathe again. It feels like I can enjoy my Dad without all the feelings that come up with my Mom. I can see him again for him. I can enjoy him for him. I spend time with him because I want to and not because I can't bear to have him handle the illness on his own. 

Often in my life people have told me how I will feel about something in the future. If you do this, you'll feel this. When your mom dies, you'll feel....xyz. Insert the feeling. I've often felt that they aren't correct but I mean you never know until it happens. I feel about how I expected to feel. Relieved. I mean, I miss my Mom, don't get me wrong but I was already missing my Mom. I have been missing my Mom since this disease took her down; since it changed her. I miss MY mom so often. The mom who would have LOVED being a grandma to my kids. The mom who would have enjoyed getting to know me as an adult and enjoy me; who I would have enjoyed getting to know as an adult myself! We were just about to hit our stride, I know it. We always knew that the adult years would be our best - we just didn't know we wouldn't get them. I wish I could call her and have her come help me decorate my Christmas Tree - she loved decorating. I wish I could prepare dinner for her and make all the fancy little things she would have been amazed to see me make and would have loved to eat. So here is the emotion I wasn't expecting, and that no one warned me about, her passing makes me miss the past mom so much. When she was sick I couldn't face that side of her, I couldn't think of it. It was too terrible. But now with the memorial services as a reminder, the spark of who she was has been rekindled in my heart and I miss her. I miss who she would have been in my life. The memories of the past are there and cherished - and we all have our childhood memories. I miss the mom she would have been. I didn't see that coming. I thought I had already mourned that loss; already grieved it. Turns out I just hid from it, and it doesn't remain hidden. 

These feelings bubble up and I experience the loss of her, but I still experience the relief that the illness is over. I am thankful for the time to say goodbye to her - that she wasn't snatched quickly, from health to death in an instant. But the time was too long, we said goodbye, and then goodbye, and then you just don't know what to say anymore. So mostly, I am relieved that it is over. That we get to build our new now; our new world. And more than anything I am thankful it is over because I don't know how I would have survived this #4kids3andunder life with the obligations of hospital visits. It was hard at times before but this would have been just too much. My weekly morning visits with my Dad take place here now - I don't need to pack up my kids and drive into Yaletown each week. I don't need to figure out how to factor one more responsibility into my life. I can ask my Dad to come here, to help. Now we push two strollers when we walk, instead of me having to be in charge of all my littles, while he cared for mom. He can support and love me, which feels pretty excellent. I mean I've watched him support and love me, but it's different when you have to care for someone in it. He can be fully present in my world and at this time of life I need that. I need ALL of him in those moments. 

My sister and I have been grieving differently. We both see counselors. We both talk with our friends. We both see our Dad often. But we experience it differently. Thankfully we have found the grace to walk through those differences with love and I am so thankful to have her by my side. We are more fragile versions of ourselves currently - I'm surprised that that is true for me. We were prepared, we saw this coming, we grieved and grew and still, we're not whole. The winter we were pregnant with Bailey and Harrison we had lunch with our Nana (mom's step mom) and our Auntie Lesley (mom's sister) and it felt so wrong that mom was alive but not with us, though if she were with us she wouldn't actually have been with us. This past weekend we had dinner with our Nana and Auntie Lesley and it didn't feel like she was a ghost at the table - we could talk about her and remember her without it feeling as heartbreaking. I don't know why, but I am thankful. Before I didn't know how to honour her or remember her without it hurting because she was still her; she was just locked away inside of her. Now she is gone, but who she was still remains, and it remains much more accessibly to me. It doesn't hurt to remember her now. 

Sometimes it comes up in conversation with random people; "my mom died 6 months ago". "Oh, I am so sorry," they say. I hastily add, "it's ok she was sick for a long time". It was easier to receive condolences for her illness than it is for her death. I feel slightly guilty when they respond graciously because I am mostly relieved. Then I remember how fragile I can be now, how grief can still appear in strange moments, and I chose to accept care and well wishes. Because death sucks, even if it comes partnered with relief. 

I've known my Mom my whole life. Right? Obviously. But I didn't really. First I was a baby (obviously very unaware), then a kid (only seeing certain realities) and then a teenager/college student (woefully selfish) and so while I knew her I didn't always GET her. I learned things about her at both the memorial services. I was reminded of things about her at both services. I learned things about myself that I thought I came up with, that it turns out come from her! I am notorious for leaving my favorite coffee/tea/drink/sweetener at my friends' places so I can always have what I want when I visit - I was so sure I came up with this genius idea. Then her friend Diane mentioned that mom always left her favorite coffee at Diane's house so she could have it when they visited. I'm so glad I didn't come up with it on my own. A lineage of mild imposition for beverage perfection. I didn't know how her friends saw her; how her colleagues saw her. To hear how they experienced her, how they enjoyed her; it solidified so much of who she was. It filled in the parts I couldn't see. You know, both our husbands (her sons in law) said something a bit sobering after the funerals - that Jenna and I had painted a bit of a worse picture of her than others - that we often pointed out the flaws more than the strengths. While we talked this through we realized that the things that drive you the most nuts about your parents are often the things that others admire or love the most about them! My mom was SO EMBARRASSING. She would do whatever she wanted - singing loudly in hallways, picking through to find the cheapest piece of meat, asking huge favors of people that were probably a bit presumptuous. But person after person commented that my mom had a gift of getting people to do things that they wouldn't normally do, and this benefited our churches and communities greatly. I heard people say they loved that she would burst into song randomly. My childhood embarrassment was their happy memory! I'm curious and scared to think of my how my children will someday describe me.

One of my mom's best friends just also became a twin-grandma (our babies are just months apart) and I was surprised to find that it shook me - I was so sad because she would have LOVED to have that in common with her dear friend. She would have loved bonding about it. There's a picture in my baby book of my mom and this friend with their oldest daughters as babies, and now here we are with twins the same ages! She would have delighted in this. 

And with that segway to the twins, family life is going well. Avie started dance class two weeks ago and is LOVING it. She's full on little girl and I love it. Bailey is going from baby-toddler to little girl and it's fun to watch. The babies are becoming bigger babies and it's so fun to get to know them. I just got a weekend away with girlfriends this past week, Paul and his mom looked after our 4 kids. I slept for 12 hours the first night. I came back refreshed emotionally, the deep hole of exhaustion was somewhat filled. I am now tired again, but oh man was that time away delightful. 

Twin nap cuddles

Delivery from Amazon

Big sisters helping feed twins

This twin photo just gets me - it's very real

Avie's first day of dance class

Bailey at play gym while Avie dances

And that is that. The grief, exhaustion, fragility mixed with the relief, sweetness and joy of all of this. The high high's and the low low's. It's all very human up in here right now.