Vivid

Growing up I didn't really have friends. I definitely didn't have any at school until grade 4 - and even then I had them for a year and switched schools, therefore having to make new friends, which seemed to rotate every year, one friend per year until junior high when I had a small group of friends - though I was never sure if they actually liked me or if they just tolerated me hanging around (I know they like me now though). And through all of that the bullies voices were loud and clear. On top of that school was rGrowing up I didn't really have friends. I definitely didn't have any at school until grade 4 - and even then I had them for a year and switched schools, therefore having to make new friends, which seemed to rotate every year, one friend per year until junior high when I had a small group of friends - though I was never sure if they actually liked me or if they just tolerated me hanging around (I know they like me now though). And through all of that the bullies voices were loud and clear. On top of that school was really hard for me. I struggled to focus and to understand what the teacher was talking about and how to apply any of it. 

That being said I have quite a few very vivid memories from my elementary school days. Must of that time is a blur - between a lack of focus due to the ADD and a real legitimate repression of crap memories - these vivid memories stick out starkly. 

Memory: It's a sunny day - I'm sitting on the grass at Alberni Elementary School, alone. I can hear kids laughing all around me, it's lunch time. I remember that my heart doesn't feel sad not to be included with them, it no longer expects that. I feel happy in my memory - I feel free. There is a light wind and a strong sun.  I have a pile of leaves in front of me and I'm wrapping grass belts around them to make leaf people to play with - only I called them grass people. Every lunch hour I made a colony of new grass people friends to play with. 

Memory: It's the middle of a long class room day - my little crazy mind can barely handle how slow the day feels. It's probably math time. I keep trying to focus but I can't. I'm wearing a sailor styled T shirt and I like that a lot. Still can't focus. In my mind I can see my imaginary dog friend running around the class room. He's barking and playing. Imagining him there makes my heart so much happier. I can also see my imaginary mouse - he peeks out from the wall where I imagine one of those cartoon mouse doors leading into his home. He knows the dog is his friend. He goes out to meet him and they play tag under our desks - the mouse scampering up the legs of my classmates. It's hard not to giggle as they play. 

Memory: It’s the same classroom – of course – the days feel like years. One day is different, the battery went out of the classroom clock and the time is wrong. The teacher pulls the clock down as  we all watch, spinning the time forward quickly. I joke to the boy next to me, “time sure flies when you’re having fun.” He doesn't get my joke and stares at me like I’m crazy.

Memory: I'm sitting on the edge of the school yard on a cement wall waiting. Cars drive by and kids all around me flail their arms asking the passing vehicles to honk their horns. Many cars do this – the honking is such a fun sound. I see my mom pull up and I just off the wall and run to the car – it’s pizza boat day! We drive across the street to the little deli. She orders us pizza boats and my heart is so happy – lunch time date with mom and pizza boats!

Memory: Waiting again for mom to pick me up – School is over and instead of waiting on the wall I’m at the playground, on the tire swing. My red velvet Christmas dress is so pretty on me. No one commented on it in class but I feel beautiful. The other kids are gone – mom is rushing over after work – while I wait I spin on the tire swing. Spinning and spinning – my mind is finally still because the spinning is too hard to focus through. Finally I hear her honking and waving happily. I can’t run over because I am dizzy but I lurch crazily towards her and am happy to be in the car heading to a church party.

Memory: Jenna and I hang from the trees by the road. We laugh and giggle at jokes only we hear. We are finally free from school and free from our piano lessons! We are waiting for our ride home and are so very glad to be done for the day. We make silly jokes and we dare each other to make weird poses for the passing cars. We pile into the car when mom arrives laughing and breathless.

Memory: Dad is waiting on the road just off of the baseball field. I run over and he hands me a helmet and I hop on. As we zip home, my little heart feels so happy – for a moment I am cool and I am free and the wind feels so good. It too drowns out the thinking in my head.

Memory: Dad pulls up to the ballet school on the bike. Mom pulls up to the ballet school in her car. I race to the motorcycle in my leotard and throw the helmet on. Jenna in her leotard jumps into the front seat of the van. Dad shouts to mom, “I’ll race you.” And he does. As we drive back across town sometimes Dad and I are ahead – we laugh and wave. Sometimes Jenna and mom are ahead – Jenna sticks her nose out at us and we all laugh. Dad makes it home moments before mom. We all laugh together outside the house.

Memory: I'm done kindergarden for the day and I'm in Auntie Sandy's van - Jenna's there too and we're on our way to pick up LeAnna. She gets into the car and we are all so excited to be together, as we are every day. We will go home and eat and play. I can see LeAnna's brown curly hair and sweet smile. Jenna's whispy pony tail seem so small in comparison! I am so glad that cousins and sisters are friends.